In truth I struggled this evening in my yoga class when we did a flow related to letting go of what we no longer need, accepting our lessons and aligning ourselves with divine will. Emotions flowed turbulent beneath the surface threatening to well up and over my suddenly thin veneer of calm.
Acceptance has been a hard thing to cultivate during these past few years, but let go and accept is what I have managed for the most part. Today though on 1st February, festival of Imbolc, the coming of the maiden, five years ago was Izzy's due date and there is always the if only she had come on time. If only is something I've lived with from many perspectives these last years. At this time of year the if only's are harder to accept and let go of.
On the whole, I do accept my weakened, yet strengthened state of being. I have let go of so much, whilst holding on and walking forward. I try to align myself with the forward momentum of life itself, understanding that I am far too small to see the big picture. I'm often reminded of these words of Rumi ...
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”
Izzy's death didn't just sweep me clean, my very foundations were ripped away, I had to pick the remains of my life out of the rubble and build a brand new house. New joy did come in eventually filling the cavern carved out by grief. A hole big enough to even contain moments of bliss. I can't explain it, but the extremity of my pain and loss expanded my capacity to appreciate and find pleasure in this gift of life. The renewed happiness and peace only came after a measure of acceptance though and the acceptance I had to really work on.
So this evening I'm just accepting that this hurts and that the extent of my pain is as deep as my love. I also accept that my joy has not gone for good and if I allow it to it will once more root deep and flourish. I've let go of thinking I should be happy every second of the day and accept that I am what I am and I feel what I feel, even in the middle of my yoga class.
The Dreadess xx