This week is up there with one of my most challenging ever as a mother. I am mum to two amazing children, my gorgeous son who is twelve and my beautiful daughter who sadly passed away. Today is her fifth birthday and today is also the day my boy has a matinee and evening performance of his dance school's annual show. Tomorrow another performance.
This week I have been helping with a few costumes, driving my son backwards and forwards to classes and rehearsals and contemplating life without and what would have been with my daughter. I'm having to put a lot of emotion on hold. My son had a complete melt down on Friday and I had to pull out one of my toughest mummy speeches ever. I told him we had to just stuff all the sad, overwhelming feelings somewhere for a while to get through the next few days. I explained that, whilst I wasn't telling him to deny his feelings, sometimes to get through what needs to be done there and then you just have to hold them off till you get space to really be with them and allow them flow fully. Another loss mum coined the phrase "parking" your emotions for a while. I reassured him I was parking my feelings to be able to support him that weekend and come Monday I was going to have my meltdown. I figure that if Izzy was alive, she too would have been in the show, her birthday would have been swamped by the whole thing and we would have probably been doing birthday things on Monday in celebration instead.
So this morning I've sewn on one pair of ballet shoe elastics at the last minute and spent the whole time wishing it was two pairs.
I stayed at home today, I'm going to see the show tomorrow and so looking forward to it, as I do every year. I'm cheering my son on from here, hoping he remembers every single step and to smile his gorgeous smile. I'm thinking of my girl. I lit a candle and held her in my heart, renumbering every hair on her head.
Good luck Myster C and Birthday Blissings Isadora ... today I'm deep in the agonies and the ecstasies of my mothering.
The Dreadess xx