Wednesday, 29 February 2012

The Software Problem

It's been a while since a post ... I've had a bit of a software problem.

It all began on the 7th February, the day I planned to visit Izzy's grave and the day I planned to receive a womb blessing attunement, which yes I knew may present me with a few problems, but knew, however hard, the healing and insight would be worth it. I was really looking forward to the goddess energy pouring in and connecting with my sisters worldwide.

I woke up though at 4am and attempted to get out of bed. I felt that my left foot was all numb and a bit tingly but didn't really think of it so much. As I shifted my whole weight onto it to take a step forward the entire leg s-bended like a pile of jelly without bones to the floor. My foot went over with a loud crack and in extreme pain I hauled my self back to bed. I suffered a little incontinence around 6am and an hour later had called for help to get to A&E. By the time help arrive I realised my left leg was actually paralysed. It seemed that this was what had caused the fall.

To cut a long story short, a day trip to the hospital and an x-ray, MRI scan, blood tests and physical tests revealed no break, but damage to cause a few months of pain and limited foot and leg use, and a diagnosis of stress related Functional Neurological Disorder.

It was explained to me that there was no hardware damage to the spinal cord or nerves but for some reason a few things had malfunctioned. I apparently have software problem, probably caused by overload to the system.

I'm relieved that it's not worse. The tests did show that the paralysis affected the whole left leg and across my abdomen and buttocks. By the evening I was able to move my toes again. Over the coming days I regained movement in my foot and legs. Friends rallied with healing energies and a huge leap forward, excuse the pun, came minutes after the Mahamrityunjaya was chanted 108 times at a healing mantra circle where my name had been added in to benefit from the group. It was literally a "hallelujah throw away the crutches moment" as I put weight on my left leg for the first time.

So I've been relying on dear family and wonderful friends to bring me my shopping and do all sorts of things for me. I'm blessed and grateful to have them all. I've been forced to put my feet up and have a time of reflection and realisation. I've been offline as it were. Just sat slowly fixing my software problem and trying to accept my dodgy wiring. I have managed to hobble to a few new places in the outer world and I've found a few new spaces within. There have been things I've not been giving myself time to sort out or to face within, so I guess I gave myself time.

It was interesting that it was my left leg that was the problem and that is always about moving forward in the Feminine energy. As one dedicated to the service of the Goddess that gave me rather a lot to ponder on, I can tell you, especially in light of the extra feminine moon energy I had planned to pull in that day. I realised there were things I still was doing that weren't giving me the time to really move forward with the path I have chosen and there were decisions that I had been agonising over for a long time that I literally felt too paralysed to make. The Goddess, in her wisdom and tough love, made look at myself and decide whether I really wanted to up my game. So I have spent some time deciding how to be more single minded with regard to my goals and realising there is only one of me and I can't, with all the determination in the world, do it all.

Sometimes the path is harder than we wish it to be, but often when we look it is exactly what we asked for. So I've acquired, temporarily I hope, a limp and am wending my way on down my road with my own unique gait and with more focus and integrity than before.

The Dreadess xx

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